There is something I have learned recently that has made a big change in me. It's all about communication. I was reading my course materials, and one of the three "sections" of the course focuses entirely on communication. I was particularly interested in their definition of "empathy" versus "sympathy." They define the two thus:
"Sympathy: sharing of another’s feelings
Empathy: ability to identify with person
Sympathy is where you feel something of what someone else is feeling,
whereas empathy is where you can relate to, or identify with, someone’s
feelings. Why is important to distinguish between the two?
When we use sympathy we are focusing on how we would feel in the same
situation. When we use empathy we are focusing on how the other person
feels."
I realized that in my responses to so many pregnant women's questions and concerns (whether I knew them personally or not), I used the word "I" far too much. Yes, it's good that I have my own experiences to draw from, but their situation is not about me. Unless they directly ask what I went through, or if I have any experience with it, or what I did, there is no need for me to bring up my personal experience. "I" am not a factor. "I" have no place in their situation. And "I" need to take "me" out of the equation if I ever want to be a good doula. The last thing my clients need is for the focus to be taken off of them and their pregnancy/birth, and unless my experiences can be of help to them, there is no need for me to bring "me" up.
Because of this revelation, I have found my approach to these situations changing. "I" come up much less in my replies, and that's forcing me to instead do research and find statistics and other answers than just what I went through. And you know what? I'm getting much better, warmer responses, and I think I'm doing more good. I'm getting through. I come across more as an educated woman who knows what she's talking about, rather than someone who expects what worked for her to work for everyone, and for everyone to choose as she did because she said so.People are more likely to take you seriously when you take an academic,
professional approach, as opposed to gushing about your own experiences
and nothing else.
Sometimes it's good to back yourself up with personal experience. I'm sure personal birth experience makes a difference to moms when choosing a doula, especially if they're a fledgeling like me (who hasn't much to go on other than my own births), but the client will ask for that information if she wants it; there's no need to throw it in her face.
Scientific facts and solid, unbiased information are always going to be better received, especially in my profession. It was a tough lesson to learn, but I had to do it. I am in a position where my opinion is the last thing that matters: I am there to serve, to support, and to cheer on my clients, even if they choose something I would not choose or do not understand. My job is to ensure that their birth experience goes the way they want, not the way I want. Yes, I am there to educate, but not to push my unsolicited advice.
So when a situation comes up with a client where she asks me what she should do, my first response will be to ask her which way she is leaning (and why), offer her the pros and cons of her choice, then those of whatever other choices there are. If, and only if, she asks what I would choose, I will give my opinion. But no matter what, I will always start by asking her what her thoughts and feelings are. To do otherwise would be insensitive and unprofessional, and I know that now.
I will use empathy, not sympathy, unless my client dictates otherwise. I know that the dynamic will change with each client, and I have no problem being flexible. It's about mom, not me. It's about her choices and her birth, not my opinions. Empathy is something I can and will do.
I love Childbirth International. I'm learning so much, and it's applicable in more than just my profession; it's making me a better person.
