"Well, I guess we'll let you try..."
"Just section her..."
"We won't allow you to go past 39 weeks..."
"She's a FtP (Failure to Progress)..."
"Pit (pitocin) her, she's not dilating fast enough..."
"You have to have continuous monitoring, it's policy..."
"Your pelvis is too small, you are incapable of natural birth..."
"You can't opt out of that, it's routine..."
"Your last birth was a failed induction turned section..."
"You didn't..."
"You shouldn't..."
"You can't..."
Ever heard any of this from your doctor? Know someone else who did? It hurts, doesn't it? "Sticks and stones" doesn't apply to birth. Childbirth is one of the most powerful experiences a woman will ever have, yet such little respect is shown by our doctors to the actual experience of it, that such language has become commonplace. That doesn't make it less painful to hear, from doctors or fellow moms.
"How many moms do you know who had a cesarean birth?"
Do you see what I did there? I called it birth. Because that's what it is. See what a difference that made? It made it personal. It made it acceptable. It softened the whole sentence. You never know how someone really feels about their birth experience. And words really can hurt them if they're not happy with the way things went. So when we talk to other moms about birth, maybe we should try to be more sensitive in terms of our language, and show some respect. Because even if they did choose it, hearing their choices belittled with such derogatory language is hurtful.
It's even worse in the medical world. The labels that are given to women (failure to progress, fauliure to descend, failure to go into spontaneous labor, "attempting" VBAC/ToL, "Pit"-ing women who aren't dilating fast enough, etc.) are downright insensitive. Who wants to hear that they are a "failure" at something that "should" come completely naturally: giving birth? Have you ever had a doctor say they wouldn't "let" or "allow" you to do something, or that they would "require" a certain procedure or policy, even if it was directly against your wishes? Has a friend ever told you that something along those lines was said or done to them? How did it make you/them feel?
Whose birth experience is this, anyway? Whose body are we talking about here? What right do they have to tell you that you "can't" go for a VBAC, or refuse an iv or continuous monitoring, or move around in labor, or anything else you might want to do? If you are willing to accept the consequences of your choices, then the fault is out of their hands if anything goes wrong, so why the limitations? Why this language of "let" and "allow" and the like? It's destructive, it does nothing to facilitate confidence going into birth, and it is often the reason that women allow themselves to be bullied into a birth experience they don't want, because it's their "only option."
So let's be mindful of our words. I know I need to be conscious of mine sometimes, too. Words can indeed hurt you. So if we change our mindset and watch our language with each other, and insist on the same from our care providers, things will get better. These birth experiences are ours, so we should be in charge and own them, even just with our choice of words.
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